The Many Secret Origins of Scootaloo
by Mr. Chaos
Summary: Currently a featured story on FIMFF Net! Who is Scootaloo? Is she the love child of two star-crossed lovers? The last hope for the future? The child of a broken home? A mysterious figure fighting a war no pony knows about? Or is it something else entirely? Twilight Sparkle decides to find out and it seems everyone in Ponyville has their own idea on where the filly came from!
1. The Cakes

It was a sight so rare that those that saw it could only stop and gawk. It was like finding an entire field of four-leaf clovers. Cupcakes and donuts and all other manner of sweets were forgotten as the patrons as Sugarcube Corner sat slack jawed at the scene playing out before them.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders sitting at a table, enjoying a treat.

No, that wasn't the amazing part. That was actually quite common; Applejack or Rarity or even on occasion Fluttershy were always taking the girls to pastry shop. It was the fact that the CMC were sitting calmly at the table, nibbling on their treats and talking about their day at school. And nothing had exploded.

Twilight Sparkle considered for a moment that it was rather mean spirited to find the little fillies behaving properly to be such a world-shaking event. They were good girls, after all, always meaning to do well. Yes, some of their quests to discover their special talents tended to end in destruction, mayhem, property damage and the release of ancient evils (and that had only happened once if somepony didn't count last week when they had summoned that winged squid creature trying to be Cutie Mark Witches), but they meant well. They just wanted their cutie marks and, like all fillies, were going about it the wrong way. Twilight smiled to herself, remember her own Cutie Mark Quest, including an attempt to use her brother as a sled dog that hadn't gone over too well. Luckily for Twilight (and Shining Armor) she'd become enamored with magic shortly thereafter and all her efforts had gone into learning magic, leaving little time for daredevil acts.

She just hoped the girls would find their passion soon and realize that getting a cutie mark was more about embracing something within you than discovering something new.

It was clear that Rarity and Applejack weren't going to question this lucky break. The two mares were happily chatting amongst themselves while the fillies giggled to themselves over something that had happened in Miss Cheerilee's class. Twilight's friends would occasionally look down to make sure the girls were still behaving themselves but, for once, the CMC were allowing their big sisters to actually enjoy their meal.

"So beautiful, isn't it?" Mrs. Cake said, trotting over to give Twilight another cup of tea.

"And also tragic," Mr. Cake added.

"Beautifully tragic."

"Tragically beautiful."

Twilight looked back and forth at the two of bakers, her brow screwed up in utter confusion. "I'm sorry, but what are you talking about?"

"The tragiciful scene over there," Mrs. Cake said, pointing towards the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Yes, the tragiciful," Mr. Cake stated in agreement, a smile on his face as he and his wife finally came to a consensus.

"Uh...still not following you." Twilight was beginning to wonder if the Cakes hadn't been cursed into being in an endless loop of gibberish. "I mean, it is just Applejack and Rarity having a snack with their sisters."

"Their sisters and Scootaloo," Mr. Cake said sagely, as if that sentence were the lost wisdom of Starswirl the Bearded. When he saw that Twilight still wasn't following he leaned in close, inspecting her with a critical eye. "You don't know, do you?"

"Know what?" Twilight was beginning to feel utterly exasperated and cursed her sweet tooth for dragging her into Sugarcube Corner. She knew she should have just headed home to have some fruit but nooooo! She had a craving for brownies and now she was going to pay for it.

"About Scootaloo!" Mrs. Cake hissed. "Twilight, don't tell me you don't know about her...past."

"What past?" Twilight said dumbly. It was as if she had walked into a play that had started an hour ago and was trying to play catch-up even as the scene continued.

"You know...her past," Mrs. Cake whispered, giving a quick glance towards the orange pegasus that was currently trying to lick frosting from the tip of her nose. "Her beautiful past."

"But also-"

"I get it!" Twilight snapped, cutting Mr. Cake off. "It's beautiful and tragic and maybe even a bit melancholy."

"No one said anything about it being melancholy." Mr. Cake glanced over at his wife, who nodded in agreement. "That is just silly, Twilight...why would you think that?"

Twilight tilted her head, internally debating if it would be a wise idea to bash her head against the table until she suffered enough brain damage to make the conversation make sense. However, her level-headedness prevailed and Twilight, with as much calm she could muster, forced a smile on her face.

"Why don't you just tell me about Scootaloo's tragiciful past?"

Mrs. Cake looked around, as if she suddenly feared that spies would burst out from under the tables and arrest her for spilling the beans. "Well...I am not one to gossip..."

Twilight closed her eyes to prevent the Cakes from seeing her over-the-top eye roll. Mrs. Cake was one of the biggest gossips in town...heck, Twilight knew for a fact that, even after they had been featured, the Cakes were still disappointed there would be no more 'Gabby Gums' articles.

"Twilight, are you ok?"

"Just...fine. Please...please just...tell the story," Twilight ground out.

"Well, if you insist," Mrs. Cake said pleasantly. "It all started about 6 years ago..."

~Six Years Ago~

"Now, be sure to keep an eye out on the farm while we are gone, alright young missy!"

Applejack smiled, trotting over to Granny Smith and giving her a hug. "Don't worry; Sweet Apple Acres is in good hooves. I don't want either of ya to worry about me while you're two are off enjoyin' the big city!"

Granny Smith let out a huff of annoyance at the young mare's jest. "This ain't no vacation, Applejack! We're just goin' to get a new plow."

"Eeeeeyup," Big Macintosh said.

Applejack smiled, walking over and giving her big brother a hug as well. "That don't mean ya can't enjoy yourselves. Don't go rushin' back thinking that ya have ta come bail me out. We got another 3 weeks till Applebuck season, so I figure I'll manage just fine if ya two decide to take in a show or do a little sight-seeing in Manehattan."

Granny grumbled something about big cities and all the traffic as she got into the wagon Big Mac was hooked up to. The massive stallion gave his sister one final look before he began to trot off, the wagon rumbling as it pulled away from the house and down the dirt driveway towards the main road.

"I'll see ya in a few days!" Applejack called out, waving her hooves frantically. "Have fun!"

**_"I'm sorry, but what does Applejack's family buying a plow have to do with Scootaloo?"_**

**_"I'm getting to that, Twilight."_**

The friendly grin Applejack had been wearing fell from her face the moment her family was out of sight. In its place was a smaller, naughtier grin that spoke of sensual secrets. She rushed back into the house, the door banging as she burst into the kitchen and pulled out the salad she had hidden away. Setting on the counter, Applejack rummaged through one of the cupboards before finally finding the silk table cloth Granny Smith reserved for special holidays. Tossing it into the air, Applejack grinned as it settled neatly on the table before going over to one of the drawers and pulling out two long candles and a pair of crystal holders, which she set in the middle of the table and lit. Grabbing a couple of bowls, she added those to her setting before snatching two mugs and, from her secret hiding spot behind the oats, a bottle of fine apple cider that she had managed to snag from last year's harvest.

She was just about to give the salad a toss when she heard the door to her house creak open and the sound of dainty hooves tapped against the hardwood.

"Hello Applejack, I just stopped by to say hello and..." Rarity blinked, taking in the sight before her, a grin slowly blossoming on her face. "Well well well, looks like someone has a special night planned."

"Maybe," Applejack said, suddenly very shy.

"Hmmm...is it someone I know?" The fashionista circled about the room, clicking her tongue in approval.

"Maybe..." Applejack murmured, eyes shut and head down. She pawed at the hardwood with her hoof.

Rarity practically purred as she slowly made her way towards Applejack, forcing her chin up and making the farmer look her in the eye. "Not that young stallion we saw the other day, I assume?"'

"Nah, he ain't my type," Applejack murmured.

"What about that nice celery seller? You know the one I mean."

"Not my type either."

"Well then, Applejack, who is your type?"

"You," the farmer said, all sense of modest leaving her as she passionately pulled Rarity into a soul-searing kiss. The white unicorn moaned, her horn beginning to glow as she surrendered herself to the power of the kiss, their fierce embrace causing the very air around them to feel as if it were going to burst into flames. The meal was forgotten as the farmer dragged her lover to the floor, bringing her-

**_"WHAT?!"_**

~MC~MC~MC~

Mr. and Mrs. Cake gave a start, staring at Twilight with wide eyes as the unicorn stood there with her mouth hanging open, trying to form a coherent sentence.

"You...you think Rarity and Applejack are in love with each other?"

"Well...yes, of course," Mrs. Cake said, as casually as one would discuss the weather. "I thought you knew."

"No I didn't, I...what am I saying? RARITY AND APPLEJACK-" Twilight looked around, realizing she was getting some curious looks and quickly brought her voice to a whisper, "-are not in love."

Mr. Cake chuckled. "Twilight, you would have to be blind not to see it."

"See what? They are friends!"

"Yes, 'friends'," Mrs. Cake said, air-quoting. She casually gestured towards the two. Applejack was happily munching an apple fritter while Rarity was using her magic to daintily sip her tea while averting her eyes to Applejack's vicious assault on manners and pastry. "Look at them, look at how they sit so far apart, neither of them touching, never paying each other any attention. See how Rarity rolls her eyes and Applejack continues to focus on her food rather than the mare in front of her? That is a sign of love."

Twilight was pretty sure the cracking sound she heard was a gear in her brain snapping it two.

"Mrs. Cake," the unicorn began, trying to talk reason into the older mare, "I have been friends with AJ and Rarity for 2 years now...I think I would know if they were in love."

"Maybe they just hid it because they knew you were a prude."

"I really don't- what do you mean I'm a prude?!" The two bakers merely gave her sympathizing smiles, like one would give a filly when she declared she was 'a big girl!'. "Ok...we're getting off of topic. The point is I've been around them a lot and they've never shown any interest in each other. I mean, the one time we had a slumber party they were at each other's throats. I couldn't even get any sleep after all the ruckus they were making in bed..."

The Cakes gave each other a saucy look.

"NOT LIKE THAT!" Twilight screeched, only to blush when everypony turned to stare at her. Twilight lowered her head in utter embarrassment. "Ok...forget it...what does any of this have to do with Scootaloo?"

"If you'd allow me to finish, I would tell you." Mrs. Cake cleared her throat. "Everything was going well for the two lovers-" Twilight gagged a little at that, "-until Applejack's family came home early from their trip..."

~MC~MC~MC~

Applejack looked utterly heartbroken, her head lowered and her lip wobbling as she fought off the large tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. She couldn't bring herself to look at Rarity, shame filling her soul as the filly that held her heart was driven from her house and her hooves.

"Ya git on out of here, ya filthy varmint!" Granny Smith shouted.

"But we are in love! Why can't you just accept that?" Rarity cried out, placing her hooves on her heart as if she expected it to burst from her chest at any moment.

Big Macintosh merely shook his mighty head, looking to the sky. "Oh lordy lord, this harlot has done led my innocent little sister to sin! What a terrible day to befall the Apple family!"

**_"Big Macintosh doesn't talk like that."_**

**_"You've obviously never heard him when he is angry."_**

"Brother, please!" Applejack whimpered. She let out a cry as her brother lashed out, striking her in the face and leave a gash upon her head.

**_"Big Macintosh would never hit his sister! He is as gentle as a kitten! And there is no way Applejack would whimper!"_**

**_"Twilight, please, let me finish."_**

**_"But-"_**

Rarity sobbed as she was forced out the door, trying to catch on last glance at her beloved Applejack, only to find her view blocked by the massive form of Big Macintosh. Lowering her head, she stumbled out of the house, her very essence crying out at the injustice of it all. All about her the town folk jeered and pelted her with rocks, calling her all sorts of vile names as Rarity was driven away from Sweet Apple Acres and her beloved-

**_"Hold on..."_**

~MC~MC~MC~

"What is it now?" Mrs. Cake asked, a bit annoyed that her rather dramatic retelling of the events of Applejack and Rarity's break up was being interrupted. It was so hard to find a polite audience nowadays.

"Let's assume you are right and Applejack and Rarity were in love." The Cakes nodded their heads, happy that Twilight was finally coming around. "Why would anypony be upset?"

"What's that now?" Mr. Cake said.

"Why would anypony be angry? Gay marriage has been legal in Equestria for 300 years and even before that gays and lesbians were accepted by other ponies! I mean, Mayor Mare has been happily married to her wife for 10 years. So why would the town turn out to jeer Rarity? And what were they even doing there? Did Big Macintosh find Applejack and Rarity together and take the time to send a letter to everypony in town, asking them to wait outside the house and throw rocks at Rarity?"

The Cakes looked down, chewing on their lips and considering Twilight's words. "You know, I'm not really sure. That's just how the story goes."

"You weren't there?" Twilight said, her eye twitching.

"Well...no...but we heard about it from somepony that heard it from some other pony whose father's best friend was there!" Mr. Cake pursed his lips in thought. "That made sense, right?"

"About as much sense as this story," Twilight groused.

"Oh...good!"

Slamming her head against the table was looking better and better.

"Now then," Mrs. Cake said, taking control of the conversation once more, "Big Macintosh, the horrid brute, refused to let Applejack out of his sight for nearly a year. Applejack longed to sneak away to see Rarity but she could never find the chance. Finally, the day came when she was able to get a few hours to herself and she rushed to see love..."

~MC~MC~MC~

"Oh, my precious diamond!" Applejack exclaimed, nearly collapsing at Rarity's feet as she burst into the unicorn's shop. "How I have longed to see you after these many months. I knew each night, as my dreams brought me visions of you, that our hearts beat together as one and it was that power, the power of our love, that kept me going!"

Rarity placed her hooves over Applejack's, tears in her eyes as she drawled out. "I'll say, sugarcube. I done longed for you many a days now myself."

_**"Mrs. Cake, I think you got them mixed-"**_

"My beloved Applejack," Rarity said_ **("apparently now speaking with the right accent")**_, pulling the farmer to her hooves, "I too have missed you but...I must admit my pain was not as deep as yours, for I had another to help ease the pain." Before Applejack could allow rage and jealousy to burn through her heart like a thousand flames, Rarity pulled her over to a small bassinet.

Lying inside was a tiny foal, her body orange like Applejack's but her purple hair all Rarity's. The little one murmured and reached up, grasping Applejack's nose with her little hooves, cooing in delight at the sight of this new visitor.

"Applejack...this is our daughter, Scootaloo."

**_"Nope, no no no, nope nope nope. No…no no no…no no no…just stop!"_**

~MC~MC~MC~

The Cakes just looked at Twilight, a mixture of exasperation at her constant interruptions and concern as the unicorn finally gave in and smashed her head against the table warring within their hearts.

After a few moments Twilight lifted her head up, bumps already swelling just above her eyes, making it look like she had 4 extra horns. "How...do two fillies...have a foal?"

Mr. Cake frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You need a stallion to make a foal."

"You do?" the two asked in utter confusion.

"YES! YOU NEED A STALLION AND A MARE TO MAKE A FOAL!"

Now everypony was staring at Twilight. While not rare like the Cutie Mark Crusaders managing to have a meal without causing utter destruction, seeing Twilight Sparkle blow up was a fun activity. Unbeknownst to the unicorn, several ponies were already placing bets if her mane would catch on fire.

"It was a gift...a gift of love from Celestia," Mrs. Cake said slowly, keep her tone even as she addressed the clearly unstable pony. She had heard rumors that Twilight was unhinged and that Celestia only kept her around out of fear of what she might do. In fact, Mrs. Cake had heard some gossip that Twilight was in fact the daughter of Nightmare Moon and-

"Then why aren't they together raising their daughter?"

"What?" the bakers both asked.

"Why aren't they raising Scootaloo together. They are able to sit in here right now and chat and no one is pelting them with stones…so why aren't they raising their daughter together?"

"Because of the shame."

"The shame that comes from a gift of love from our princess?" Twilight ground out.

"Now you're getting it!" Mr. Cake said.

**"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"** Twilight stalked out of the bakery, muttering to herself about magic babies and fillyfriends and the power of love. Several ponies let out groans before passing bits over to their friends, who happily collected their winnings from their bets.

"What was that all about?" Mr. Cake asked his wife, not understanding why Twilight would freak out over a simple story about the birth of Scootaloo.

Mrs. Cake patted her husband's hoof. "The young mare is just upset...I heard Rainbow Dash and her haven't made love in months."

"Twilight and Rainbow Dash are together?"

"You didn't hear? Oh, it is such a tragic love story...or a lovely tragic story..."


	2. Spike

No one would ever say that Spike had a normal life. The mere fact that he was a baby dragon who lived with ponies shot that idea right out of the water. If one were to add the fact that he was the '#1 Assistant' to Princess Celestia's protégée, then _normal_ became an utterly laughable concept.

The fact that said protégée was Twilight Sparkle...well, that made the idea of calling Spike's life normal more outrageous than saying Princess Celestia was secretly Discord's baby mama (though, if one were to listen to a certain gossipy baker…).

Said baby dragon was about half way through the checklist Twilight had left him when the door to the library slammed open and the purple unicorn stomped through, muttering about gossip and where foals came from. Spike, being a wise little assistant, quickly hurried down the ladder he had been standing on and dashed into the kitchen to get Twilight some water. Whenever his friend went on a tear it was always wise to get her something to drink, lest she blow out her vocal cords from screaming in frustration.

Setting the cup of water on Twilight's desk (and clearing away the many scrolls and papers that had accumulated on its surface over the last few days) Spike went back to cleaning, knowing that Twilight would talk to him when she was ready. Pressing the subject would only turn her frustrations on him and the baby dragon was not interested in becoming a bucking-bag for the upset unicorn.

Ten minutes ticked by before Twilight finally stopped grumbling to herself. All the energy seemed to leave her and Twilight sat down on the floor with an unladylike "pwomp!", her head slowly drifting down and her eyelids growing heavy. She wasn't sleepy, of course; Spike had come to learn early on in their relationship that Twilight had stages of frustration much like there were stages of grief: Disbelief, Mania, Rage, Reflection, and Acceptance/Alteration. She was firmly in Stage 4, which was the best time to ask her about her problems. If Spike waited too long Twilight would either decide to brush the problem aside, or worse, come to the conclusion that she had to 'fix' the issue herself.

That...would lead to bad things.

"Hey Twilight," Spike said softly, setting his feather duster aside and walking over to his friend, patting her on the shoulder. "You ok?"

"Yeah...just a tiny bit frustrated, Spike." Wisely, the young dragon decided not to make one of the hundred jokes that were begging to leap off his tongue. He hadn't survived being around 6 powerful mares by shooting his mouth off.

Instead, Spike sat down next to her, playing with his tail (which wasn't as naughty as it sounded) as he waited for her to work up the nerve to talk about what was bothering her.

"I kinda...blew up over at Sugarcube Corner."

"...did your mane catch on fire?"

"No, nothing that bad." Twilight missed the grin that burst onto Spike's face; Lyra had lost their bet about Twilight's next freak-out and she owed him 10 bits. "I just got so mad at the Cakes...ooohh, I'll never be able to show my face in there again!" Twilight (gently) laid her head on the table and whimpered, a blush creeping along her cheeks as she remembered all the eyes staring at her as she screamed about reproduction.

"So what made you lose your cool? Did someone insult you mane?"

"No," Twilight said sullenly.

"Did they point out that weird thing you do when you eat a brownie?"

"No, they...wait, what weird-"

"Did somepony make a crack about your weight?"

"Are you saying I'm fat?!"

Spike, realizing that he was stepping onto unsteady ground quickly backpedaled. "Because they would be wrong to do any of that! You want me to give them a little of the one-two-one?" He did a quick shadow box move and Twilight laughed at his gusto.

"No need for that, Spike." It was clear that Twilight felt a bit better after the giggle and Spike couldn't help but beam. "It's just really silly. I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"What did the Cakes do?" Spike asked, scooting a bit closer to her.

"They said Scootaloo was Rarity and Applejack's daughter. Can you imagine that?" Twilight scoffed at the notion and the 'evidence' the two had offered. "They even begin describing the two of them making out in Applejack's kitchen…kissing each other and playing with their manes and-" Twilight blinked, seeing that Spike was stared into nothingness, a droplet of drool leaking out of his mouth while he stroked his tail (which was just as naughty as it sounded). "Spike? Spike? SPIKE!"

"Don't stop girls! I'll just watch!" Spike quickly exclaimed.

"Ewwww!" Twilight squealed, shoving him away. "That is sick Spike!"

The baby dragon hauled himself up, shaking his head in a desperate attempt to clear the visions of Applejack and his beloved Rarity rolling about the floor, lips pressed together...maybe some honey fell over and poured all over their flanks and they had to lick...

"SPIKE!" Twilight roared.

Shaking his head, Spike stored the daydream away for another time. "Sorry Twilight, didn't mean to doze off. Just…thinking how vile and horrible that thought was!"

"Sure," Twilight said, rolling her eyes.

"There is no way though that Scootaloo is Rarity and Applejack's kid," Spike said casually, climbing up onto the table. He figured that was a better resting spot, as it would make it difficult for Twilight to shove him if he did something stupid.

Twilight grinned, glad somecreature was FINALLY on her side. "Exactly! I mean, the biological-"

"Well, that is true," Spike interrupted, not wanting another lecture on the creation of foals. Twilight had given him 'the talk' a year ago…it had involved a slide show, several Venn diagrams and Twilight stuttering through the entire thing (when she wasn't running back to her books muttering "No way is that right! Who would put THAT there?"). It had taken three private letters to Princess Celestia before the dragon finally understood half of what the unicorn had been trying to tell him. "But I meant that I know all about Scootaloo and I never heard about her being related to Rarity or Applejack."

"You know about Scootaloo's past?" Twilight asked, interest piqued. "I mean, I never really thought about it before, but it is kinda weird...she just showed up one day and we all accepted her as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle's friend. But I've never seen her parents or heard if she had any brothers or sisters..."

"Well, I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that she was raised in Canterlot."

"I didn't know she lived there! Did you run into her on the street or something, Spike?"

"No way, Twilight! Scootaloo was too busy training."

"Training?"

"You know...to be a spy."

Twilight blinked and Spike launched into his story before she could protest.

~2 years ago~

My name is Scootaloo. All my life I have been trained for one simple task: to serve and protect Equestria. I do this not as a soldier or a politician but as a covert agent in her Majesty Princess Celestia's secret service. I work in the shadows, protecting the innocent so that they might never know about the true danger that lurks within this land. It is better that way...if they knew even a fifth of what I did none of them would ever leave their homes.

I began my training when I was just a foal. I was selected by the Princess herself and every day my instructors forged my body into the ultimate weapon. My mind was strengthened too; I learned to out-think my opponents and lead them to believe that the pony they were battling was something beyond the norm.  
_  
**"Wait, why is this in first person?"**_

_**"Because it is cooler that way, Twilight!"**_

_**"What does cool-"**_

I had just gotten back from dealing with a terrorist cell located on a nameless island in the Mareatine Sea and I had been looking forward to a well earned break. Fate, it seemed, was not on my side, because I barely got to my apartment (**_"She's only 10 years old and she has an apartment?"_**) when a scroll magically appeared in my hooves. Only two ponies know the counter-spell to get beyond my wards and I knew it wasn't my landlady sending me yet another past due notice.

A picture of a fierce looking albino lion in a business suit slipped from the scroll and landed at my hooves. I barely glanced at the photo before focusing on the message pertaining to it.

'Agent Scootaloo: This is The Ghost, a rising warlord in Zebrica. He has recently been attacking trade routes within Zebrica's northern desert. Equestria relies upon these routes to bring in the finest silks from Camarabia. It has been determined that removal of The Ghost would result in instability within the region, something neither we nor our allies can accept. The Ghost has made, through agents of ours, offers to turn a blind eye to our trains in return for funds. We are not authorized at this time to make such an offer publicly. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to travel to Zebrica and deliver an unauthorized payment to The Ghost. You are scheduled to meet Luna at 1400 hours. If you are captured or killed Equestria will deny all knowledge of you or your acts. This scroll will self destruct in 5 seconds.'

**_"Uh, Spike..."_**

~MC~MC~MC~

Spike looked at Twilight, brow furrowed. He had just been getting to the juicy part of his tale when his friend had decided to interrupt him mid-stream. "What's the matter?"

"Spike, none of this makes any sense."

"What do you mean?"

Twilight gave him a cool look, one normally reserved for only the most evil of beings: ponies that brought back overdue library books. "First off, I doubt Princess Celestia would use children as spies."

Spike wagged his finger at her, a sly smile on his lips. "But that is the beauty of it, Twilight! No one would suspect a child to be a spy! It is the perfect cover!"

"Spike..."

The baby dragon folded his arms over his chest, giving her a cocky look. "Just admit it's the perfect cover."

Twilight rolled her eyes, the headache she had gained from bashing her head against the table coming back with the rage of a thousand hammers. "Alright fine, it is the perfect cover." She jabbed at the dragon with her hoof before he had a chance to get too smug. "But there are other problems with your story."

"Such as?"

"Equestria doesn't have any trade routes in Zebrica. No one in Ponyville even knew what a zebra was, remember? And suddenly they are our biggest trading partner and require child spies to go and help them out? No Spike…there are simply no trade routes."

"...that's what the government would want you to think," Spike said quickly, clearly pleased with his answer. "Of course we would have trade routes there; no one would suspect-"

"-and that makes it the perfect cover," Twilight droned. She gave her #1 Assistant a glare so icy that had a polar bear seen it he would have screamed in agony before turning into a Popsicle. Spike, luckily, was too naive to realize just how much danger he was in and continued on with his story, while Twilight looked down at the table and wondered if it would be wise to grab a pillow before she began slamming her head against it.

~MC~MC~MC~

Tech people always creep spies out. They never go out into the field, they never shoot a gun, and they are more scared about one of their precious gadgets getting broken than you taking a bullet to the flank.

"We ask thee to get out of thine quarters!"  
**_  
"Thine? That isn't even a word."  
_**  
I rolled my eyes as I entered Luna's lab, sidestepping all the gadgets and gizmos she had in various states of repair. Wagons, flying machines, various bubbling vials and mystical elements all fought for space on her crowded shelves and I knew that if I wasn't careful I'd accidentally turn myself into a frog or blow a hole through the castle wall. There were already several such holes the lab, each one boarded up in haste so Luna could get back to her experiments in peace.

"I'm here under orders, Luna," I told her, making my way towards the back of the room. Luna was standing near a twisted frame that looked like a cross between a bunny rabbit and a wagon.

"We demand thee leave us, Agent Scootaloo, for we are thinely working on our masterpiece!"  
**_  
"Again, thine is not a word and neither is thinely. Hold on, I'm going to get my dictionary."_**

"That's great, but I really need my gear and I doubt your sister will be happy if I can't complete my mission…"

"Fine fine…to the **secret **lab!" Luna led me over to a large statue of Celestia that at once was terrifying and breathtaking. "Thinelestly pull the lever!" I did as I was commanded, knowing that not doing so would only lead to pouting on the part of the Princess/mad scientist. The two of us fell through a trap door and landed in a small cart with a bar in the front that secured us.

"Please stay seated at all times," a voice droned as Luna licked her hoof and then made sure her mane was sticking straight back. The next instant we were plummeting through darkness, the cart spinning and rocking as we rode the track down deep under Canterlot. With a final jolt we were thrown in the air, landing in her lab now donning white lab coats, long black hoofgloves and dark-tinted goggles. Luna held up her hoof and I clanked it with mine-

**_"Ha! Just as I thought! Thine is not a word!"_**

**_"OW!"_**

~MC~MC~MC~

Spike rubbed his sore nose, pushing the dictionary away. "Ok, Twilight, ok…thine is not a word, I get it…geez. Don't need to shove the book in my face."

"Glad we could get that settled," Twilight said, giving the book a once over. "Spike didn't hurt you, did he little dictionary? Shhh, it's ok, I'll put you back in your home." Still happily murmuring to the book, Twilight trotted back to the bookshelf and placing the dictionary where it belonged (and Spike began to question his friend's sanity). "Now then…" She turned, one eyebrow raised as she zoomed back over to Spike and examined him about as carefully as Rarity would inspect a diamond for flaws. "Spike…just how much of this story do you know is 100% true?"

"Uh…what do you mean?" Spike asked sheepishly.

Twilight leaned in even closer, forcing Spike to bend back so far he was sure his spine would snap. "How do you know about the secret labs and spy missions?"

"Well…I heard bits and pieces…but for the rest I just…assumed…"

"You're guessing."

"Scientists call that creating a theory. So I made a theory! You do it all the time!"

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "So you created a theory…that Princess Luna…who had been trapped on the moon for a thousand years until two years ago…is a genius inventor who is building gadgets no pony has ever thought of before?"

"…well, yeah." Spike began to talk quickly, realizing he only had moments before Twilight snapped. "I just figured she had to be really smart! I mean, look at all the inventions you have in your lab!"

"What does my lab have to do with Princess Luna?"

"Well, I figured since she's your mother-"

"Princess Luna isn't my mother!" Twilight roared, the ends of her mane beginning to sizzle.

"Oh…right…right…" Spike said hurriedly, before whispering, "Nightmare Moon is."

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Now, back to the story…theory...back to the theory!"

"And by the way, that isn't a theory, that is a hypothesis. A theory-"

~MC~MC~MC~

If you are looking for a place where you can relax, have a good drink and see a show, I would recommend Manehattan's east side. They have plenty of bars and while most of the plays I went to were merely a chance to get information about a target, what I did manage to retain seemed rather positive. And the hotels are to die for.

However, if you're looking for a place to get eaten up by mosquitoes while Celestia's sun burns your skin to a crisp and the water gives you the trots, then I guess Zebrica is the place to go. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

I'd been waiting in The Ghost's hotel room for about 15 minutes. That's the thing about being a spy all the books and plays don't tell you about: 90% of it is waiting. You wait for your contact, you wait for a target, you wait for your ride and you wait for the doctor to dig a bullet out of you. The trick to keep yourself from cracking is to find something to keep your mind occupied. I try and remember all the words to Boarhemian Rhapsody. A bit silly, I admit, but better than nothing.

The Ghost was an up-and-coming warlord and I didn't need Celestia's scroll to tell me that. Warlords are a lot like the rich spoiled brats in Canterlot: they have way too much gold in their house, they wear horribly impractical clothing, and they have a ton of ponies that hang around them doing nothing. Of course, the friends of the snobs aren't packing spells in their horns designed to turn a pegasus into a pincushion.

"Ah, I say hello to Ms. Scootaloo! How wonderful it is to be seeing you!"

**_"Spike, not everycreature from Zebrica does the rhyming thing."_**

~MC~MC~MC~

Spike blinked, looking at Twilight like she had just revealed that Celestia didn't move the sun and in fact the world rotated around the fiery orb (which was crazy talk). "They don't?"

"Of course, Spike. Did you honestly think every zebra talked like Zecora?"

"….no…" Spike said, before muttering, "Thank Celestia, I didn't know how I was going to come up with more rhymes."

"Why would you have to come up with more rhymes?" Twilight asked, giving him a critical eye. Spike wondered if she was truly believing his awesome theory or if she was just humoring him, letting him dig himself deeper and deeper before rolling a rock over the hole and leaving him to die. "I thought you were telling me about Scootaloo's origins…not making up-"

"Well, like I said, no one but her was there for most of it, so I have to… fill in the detail. Give it some color," Spike said quickly. "Now then…"

~MC~MC~MC~

"How are you, my new friend!" The Ghost said, giving me a hardy pawshake (**_"Considering how small she is it must have left her rather dizzy…"_**). I, for my part, did all I could not to wipe my hoof in an attempt to get whatever lotion The Ghost used off my body.

"I'm not your friend, Ghost. I'm just a filly delivering some bits."

"Of course, of course," The Ghost said, leaning in close. I could smell the odor of death on his breath and I forced myself not to gag. "Now…about my bits?"

"Right…" I closed my eyes, quickly whispering the transporter spell that Luna had given me-

**_"Oh, so it isn't enough that she is a spy, she also has magic?"_**

**_"Of course! Would be silly if she didn't!"_**

**_"Yeah…silly."_**

I was giving the hangers-on one of my normal "please don't blast me" smiles when the scroll appeared in a flash of light. I blinked, not quite sure what to make of it. I had been expecting a bag of bits, not a scroll. Quickly opening it, I felt something I had not felt in a long time: Fear.

_'We have just received a burn notice on you, Scootaloo. You've been blacklisted…I'm sorry_

_-Luna'_

A burn notice. When your government wants to get rid of you they don't fire you or throw you a retirement party. They burn you: freeze all your assets, cut you off from all your contacts and, if they are feeling really mean about it, leave you in a room full of killers.

"Uh…those funds might be a bit late," I said with a grin. As a sea of angry faces and glowing horns began to swarm me, I quickly reached into my bag and pulling out my only means of escape: my trusty scooter. My wings buzzed as I took off, smashing through a window and onto the street-

**_"Ok Spike, just stop."_**

~MC~MC~MC~

The baby dragon looked down at his friend from where he stood on the table, pretending he was riding an invisible scooter. His lips had long since stopped making engine noises and he was wondering why Twilight had paused such a killer story to just stare at him.

"Spike…that is the most ridiculous story I've heard in a long time." Twilight used her magic to lift him off the table and set him back on the ground. She then gave the table a look usually reserved for the spotting of long-lost lovers. However, she managed to fight the urge to let her rage out and instead turned back to stare at her friend. "I have never heard a crazier, more outlandish story in my life and anypony who thinks THAT is true needs their head examined."

"…but it was cool, right?"

WHAM WHAM WHAM!

Apparently her resolve wasn't as strong as she thought.

"Twilight, you ok?"

The unicorn looked at Spike, her eyes swirling a bit. She stumbled slightly, a delirious grin gracing her lips. "Per…perfectly fine Spike…actually s-starting to enjoy it!"

"Uh…whatever you say Twilight…" Spike said, slowly backing away from the obviously deranged unicorn. The great whomp she had taken had caused all the smaller bumps on her head to pop back out and to Spike it looked like Twilight was suffering from some horrible disease…of course, considering the fact that she was reacting to his cool story by banging her head against a table…

"Dear…Dear Princess…Celestia…did you know you need a stallion and a mare…to make a foal?"

"Twilight…what are you…"

The unicorn, dazed by her repeated blows to the head, slowly began to wander towards the door, mumbling about 'shipping' and 'spies' and 'Scootaloo'. Spike cringed as Twilight walked straight into a wall and just kept trotting forward, as if trying to burrow her way out.

"Uh...let me get the door for you Twilight…" Spike said quickly. Twilight mumbled something about 'rumors' and began to stumble away, her horn every once and a while letting off a spark of magic. It reminded him of Berry Punch after the last Ponyville Singles Mixer. "Hey Twilight, if I can have the day off…smash into that tree," he whispered.

WHAM!

"Yes!" Spike exclaimed, pumping his fist, only for the feather duster to magically return to his hands. "Awwwww…"


End file.
